It's both comforting and heartbreaking to look at all the pictures of Ned with his family that I have stored in my computer. Shortly after the accident, I greedily copied all the images that I could find from Ned and Vicki's computer, from my dad's computer, and also from Ned's own digital camera. I've been ravaging the boxes and crates full of pictures kept carelessly in our basement, looking for Ned. I was thrilled even to come across Ned's face in the background of a picture, and pulled it out to cherish, as though he were a movie star.
Sometimes it is hard to know what to do with the ongoing, unrelenting, monotonous grief and how to live with it on a daily basis. We get busy with our lives and experience many joys - Jasmine's in a rock band, Aaren's taking a skateboard class, Dad's training for a bike race, Mom is working out and on the interviewing circuit, and then some nights, there is that dull ache that nothing can cure except sleep. That's what also what makes it harder to write on the blog, not wanting to sound redundant, but also wanting to keep the images, memories, spirit of Ned in front of us.
Looking at these pictures is a way of saying hello to Ned's spirit for a minute. And although at times it makes me weep, it is probably the best thing to do to bring on the tears from time to time. I have a picture of Ned that I don't know where I got, but he is in his pilot's uniform with a sky blue background. I guess it must have been taken for his SkyWest I.D. He looks otherworldly, different from how I ever remembered him looking, as though he was about to be transported up into the stratosphere. I like it because it has that haunting quality, but in a good way, almost like he is looking out for us. I put the picture on the nightstand by our bed so the kids and I can say goodnight to him (as I know Vicki and Shaan say goodnight to his picture). For some reason I haven't put the picture in a frame, so the other night I grabbed it to use as a bookmark. My son Aaren thought that was funny that Ned was helping me remember where I'd left off in my book. Thanks Ned for your help. With your spirit with us, we can carry on.
