Thank you for filling in for my brother while he is gone from the rest of our lives.
That sounds weird, but I mean that.
It feels like for both of us (and many of us) that he will come back from his trip to embrace us, to see how we've been doing during these hard times. He'll have a lot to tell us. He will talk our ears off on the phone while he is taking Shaan to the park and talking to the neighbors at the same time.
The recognition and realization of this loss is ongoing and spiral in shape. We wake up from dreams where we get to see a glimpse of him and then wake up again to the stone cold loss. We think we are ok and then can't figure out why we don't want to get out of bed the next day.
I told you that Dad had a dream about little Ned. He was probably four or something with wisps of blond curls. The family was all together with Ned the little one running around. All of a sudden he was gone. The confusion and terror of that fact continues to greet us abruptly when we awaken.
It is great to have you here and get to know you as we get to know how to travel through this spiral - on one side is the joy of having had such a brother and the laughter we can remember and recreate for each other, for Vicki, for Shaan, for our parents and friends. On the other side is the dream that he will hop off the plane, pull up and greet us with that infectious smile and laugh. Sometimes we can live in the suspended disbelief for a moment so that in our waking moments those dreams are ok to have. I know I didn't explain that very well, but I've got to get ready for work.
Love
Wendy
