A New Year

One year ago today was the last time I saw my brother. Actually, one year ago is when he took us each out in the seaplane at the pond in San Andreas. He was frustrated as hell because he couldn't get that little seaplane to take off right and the plane kept getting pulled back with the wind on the pond and stuck in the corner. He had to put on rubber boots going practically up to his knees and trudge through the water to pull the plane back to near the dock to where take off was possible.  

I was about to tell him that it would be ok if we called it a day, but then I didn't dare. I knew he wanted so badly to take us each up in that plane. So we waited, played around the dock, ate chips and salsa, and watched and waited as Ned worked the plane around. 

Eventually, he took each of us up - Aaren (that's the video I have in my phone that is dated 1/2/08) first, then Sahil, then Jasmine and then me. He took each of us over the New Malones reservoir and took me on a special Star Wars type of trek through a couple narrow ravines for grown ups only. Shaan and Vicki waited patiently while each of us got our chance to fly with Ned.

After we flew we visited the Norcal Aviation office at the airport and saw Ned's paint job, his newly set up office and met the all the people in the building.

The kids and I ended up staying over that night and I remember feeling so inspired by Ned's confidence, dedication and focus on his work. When he told me that we could come and stay any time, I felt so proud and comforted to know that this wonderful guy was actually my very own brother, and that, yes, I could and should rely on his generosity and warmth and that his home was open to us as mine would always be to his. 

I think about this time and I am filled with sorrow, my throat choking up with tears. At times I feel a certain acceptance of the reality of him not being here anymore coming to me slowly, but it will still take a lot of time.  

A new friend of mine at my job suffered the loss of her father two years ago and some years back lost her sister. She was so sweet when I was telling her about the holidays with my family without Ned. She told me that it will be ok and she said she didn't know what had happened, that maybe God had talked to her in her sleep and told her some things that helped her start to accept the death of her father.  

I do think there is a wisdom about life and death that will come to me and hopefully to all of us. This is about the passage of time. This is the bigger picture of who we are as human beings on this planet. This is about finding our life purpose and living it and being excited about it. This is also about feeling terrible loss and disappointment about not being able to follow through with all the plans we had. This is about feeling that deep sorrow but then being able to carry on. 

These are the lessons of life. 

 Happy new year everyone!